Blogs.

Blogs are shit. Can you see the top right hand corner of this window, where it says "next blog"? Click that, and see where it takes you. I have an idea: Shitsville. It's unbelievable; it's unfathomable the sheer magnitude of dull shit there is on the internet. Just before, using this random blog button, I found a ridiculously hilarious blog. Did I say ridiculously hilarious blog? Oh, sorry- I mean "blog which makes me want to give myself a vasectomy with a spoon".

So, first things first, the blog is pink, and the title has hearts in it. Ah yes, the archetypical internet fangirl. Here's a snippet of "Kai Lynn's" description of herself: "I'm not your average girl. I keep a diary, I write stories and music. I play the guitar and piano. I'm also into fashion studies."

Wait wait wait, let me stop you there. Not your average girl? You keep a diary, you write stories and you like fashion? Oh dear god, you're about as feminine as Bruce Willis. In fact, I don't know any girls who keep diaries. Moreover, I have no knowledge of any girls who like fashion. I mean, girls and clothes? When did that happen?

So, she's asked the random question by blogger, "You get to ride the big roller coaster three times in a row. What will keep your dad from taking a bite out of your candy apple?" and answers with the wit and intelligence of Steven Fry: "My Dad hates sweet stuff....he wouldn't even let me get one for myself! LOL"

LOL indeed Kai Lynn, LOL indeed. Actually, I am laughing so much at that joke that I can hardly contain myself. He wouldn't let you get a candy apple? Wouldn't he? That's not a laughing matter you silly little bitch! Your dad's a cunt! What a fucking prick! He doesn't like sweet food so he disallows you from having any? What an utter shitstick. That's the type of behaviour that fucks kids up, and this girl's only 14. Say a mother is afraid of dogs, and therefore doesn't allow the child to be around dogs, the child is going to grow up fearing dogs in the same way the mother did. That's unfair; passing on fears is "totally uncool" as the kids say nowadays.

This whole affair was very disconcerting. I was upset and aroused. I did the only thing I could: I confronted Kai Lynn's father. Hacking into the system mainframe of her blog, discombobulating her iostream and reconfigering her bios system ISO, I found out her address. I instantly took a plane to this "canada" place, and rang her doorbell. The man who answered the door was chinese in height and appearance and seemed to be wearing what could only be described as "shorts". I asked him in my broadest chinese accent, "Harro. Do you have a daughter named Kai Rynn?" He answered my question with the affirmitive, "Yes". Using my knowledge of genetics and astrophysics, I managed to deduce that this man must be her father. With that, I did the only thing that I could think of: I pushed him into the path of an oncoming lorry. My job complete, I flew all the way back to my hovel.

Once I was back home, I checked back on her blog. A new entry had been made, which went somewhat like: "My dad is dead!", or something to that degree. Excited, I looked in her profile. The question was still the same, but the answer had changed dramatically. It now read simply: "I have no dad anymore, but now I can eat all the candy apples I want LOL!"

Another job well done, Matthew. Another job well done.