Buses.

People like travelling. It is something we fundamentally do. If I had control over the world, I'd make everything built inside or within a few metres of my house. Unfortunately, however, that is not the way; people like travelling, and because of this, people have invented amazing ways of doing so. From the skateboard to the aeroplane; the rollerskates to the giant cannon we all have in our gardens, people are constantly finding new methods of getting from point A to point B, or in some circumstances, to point R. But one integral part of society, and a method that at least tens of people a day utilise, is the "bus".

Buses were invented in 1268 by Sir Henry Bus, although the engine had not been invented at that point, so it wasn't until 1885 that anyone recognised his efforts. Unfortunately, Sir Henry couldn't be congratulated for his efforts at that point because he was too dead.

When I was a child, I loved buses. I thought they were exciting; lots of interesting people to look at: blacks, disableds, ugly people- it was generally a fun experience for me and whoever was abducting me at the time. Now at the grand old age of 18, however, my stance on the matter has seriously changed. Buses are no longer something to be adored; they are something to be abhorred. They're noisy, they stink, they're full of scrotes, they're expensive and they don't fly. What's the point, I ask you? On the website "buslovers.com", one person mentioned that he "couldn't get off unless he felt the vibrations and sweaty stench not uncommon of buses". Another lady mentioned, "I have a strong atraction [sic] to bus drivers. There's something about the moustaches and rolls of fat that really pushes my buttons! Sometimes I even get on and off the same bus several times just to fix my eyes upon their vacant, sexual stare."

But not everyone is aroused by buses. Some people find buses incredibly unerotic! I was talking to a man on the bus the other day, who mentioned that he's never reached an orgasm whilst doing the 42 line. I was flabbergasted! Never reached orgasm on the 42 line? But that's the most erotic of all lines! Some would argue, of course, that the 42x has a much deeper, mysterious sexuality to it, but to mention that a bus is a positive turn-off is beyond the boundaries of my imagination. Of course, I did what any good, honest, English citizen would do: I smashed his face in with a brick. But apart from causing him serious discomfort, what good is it to do that? He is one of many people who still view buses as nothing more than a large metal contraption built to transport several people at a time from one pre-destined point to another. The ignorance! Buses are so much more. Have you ever dined a bus? I'll tell you this: They have excellent table manners, and can tell fantastic anecdotes.

So let this be a message to you all: Next time you get on a bus, don't just take it for granted. Talk to it, stroke it, kiss it. If it doesn't respond, talk louder. People may look at you strangely, but that's because they're odd and they don't understand. Remember that buses are beautiful creatures, and need to be respected.

Not respected enough to pay 1 fucking 20 for a 15 minute journey though.