Getting "fuck all", and then not bothering to do it.

Today I did fuck all. I did fuck all for 10 hours. The Oxford English Dictionary defines fuck all as:

"A lack of anything; voidness of effort or endeavours. Fuck all, basically."

Although, admittedly, I thought this to be rather informal for the Oxford English Dictionary, it changed my perspective on my earlier statement. I've not done fuck all. I've managed to procrastinate from doing fuck all.

It all happened at exactly 2:03pm this afternoon. I was sitting around doing fuck all, when suddenly everything felt slightly odd. It was a feeling that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I attempted to put my thumb and my third toe on it, but I was disappointedly unsuccessful. The closest way of describing it would be somewhat like time around me had frozen still.

Looking around, I noticed that everything was stood still: the steady dripping of human blood from the room upstairs was now just a column of droplets, frozen still; the sound of moaning from beneath me stopped completely, and a deadly silence (as opposed to the deadly screaming) punctuated the air like an asterisk.

Then something rather perculiar and moderately arousing happened: the series of blood droplets started to steadily move upwards, and a sound was eminating from the walls, somewhat like "!!hhhgggggaaaaaa". Yes, it had finally happened. I'd become so lazy, I'd

GONE BACKWARDS IN TIME LOL.

Oh shit, thought I. The world was going back in time at a faster, and faster rate. I could actually feel the hairs on my head sliding back into my scalp. I must do something, I thought. So I pushed, and I pushed. No, I wasn't attempting to birth an invisible baby; I was trying to actually not do fuck all. I forced my fingers to bend with all my might. I strained and shook, beads of sweat trickling down my ugly little face as I willed my fingers to close inwards. At last, the task was accomplished, and the decrease in time was starting to.. well.. decrease. Now for the task of standing up. Pushing myself onto my feet took a good few minutes, but the results were excellent: time was now nearly still again. Finally, I took the final step. Literally. I actually took a step forwards. That did it; time once again was back to normal.




I am now 3 years old.